Seriously, just eff right off. This is a blog to people who probably won’t read it, but I hope that it will help some people rephrase how they speak to those with eczema and other skin conditions. I also want people to consider the perception of how they come across. Because guys, commenting negatively on someone’s appearance is NOT OK.
Don’t comment on my skin
You can rest assured that I am well aware of how red, sore, dry, flaky, gross my skin looks. I have eyes, I can see it. I can also feel the pain. Please, please spare a thought for the person you are speaking to. It’s happening so often at the moment and I know it’s because my skin doesn’t look normal. I mean I get it, I have no eyebrows!
I’m going through topical steroid withdrawal, for anyone reading this who doesn’t know me. But I’m writing this for everyone with a facial difference, pigmentation, skin condition or facial disfigurement. Because we all hate it when you comment on how we look.
It is NOT OK to say things like this:
- Why is your skin so red?
- What is wrong with your skin?
- Don’t you moisturise?
- Is your face burnt?
- I can recommend some really lovely makeup that you could use to hide your skin…
- Have you been to the doctors about your skin?
- Oh you poor thing… I could never go out looking like that…
- Have you tried _______? (Add endless list of stuff people think will cure you)
Seriously people! I know these comments are usually not meant to harm, they are not intended to be mean and they often come from a kind place but they do so much damage.
One of the worst ever was from a man who shall remain nameless, who reached over, stroked my arm and said,
“Your skin is so dry, it feels just like an alligator hide.”
How do you think someone will feel hearing this? I had felt my skin was holding up pretty well and was feeling so happy before that alligator thing happened. I got up, left the room and said I needed some air. I wanted to call him out but it was in a social gathering and I didn’t want to ruin the lovely, friendly evening. I have just avoided him ever since and never said anything to him about how it made me feel, because he would never have understood.
I stay at home and avoid social occasions so much more because nearly every time I venture out some well meaning soul will crush my self esteem again by drawing attention to my appearance.
You cause Anxiety and Panic Attacks
I am having panic attacks again lately and part of this comes from a fear that someone will ask me about my skin. I usually deal with comments calmly and politely and try to explain about TSW and my journey but I shouldn’t have to do that. Sometimes I see it as a positive opportunity to share about TSW and raise awareness but it comes at a cost, to me, my soul, my confidence and my resilience.
Consider what it takes for someone with eczema or bad skin on their face to get ready to go out and the courage it takes to face the world. Have some empathy. We have probably taken hours to get ready, to exfoliate, moisturise, over heat, remove wraps and bandages, cleaned up the flakes from our bedding, changed our disgusting bedding from scratching in the night, and just dealing with the daily pain, and the itch scratch cycle.
Just don’t say anything if you can’t be kind. If you want to get to know a person or find out their story, do it gently. Be nice to them. Find something you can compliment because it will probably make their day if you do that. Like nice bag, love your blue eyes, love that dress, anything. But don’t go in with the skin… BAM… because all that says is, between the lines, “I’ve noticed how bad your skin is and can’t help myself, I just have to know what did you do to get skin that bad..?”
I can kind of forgive people. I try to. But I want you, all of you, everyone, to think before you ask anyone anything that might cause pain, because you don’t know what goes in that person’s life.
Would you ask a person in wheelchair what happened? How they came to be paralysed? Do they miss not being able to dance? Go on about what you’ve been doing (which they are not able). Just THINK!
Don’t ever ask a woman if they are planning to have children, why they haven’t had them, when they’ll have another. Because again, you do not know what heartache might be hidden behind their smile and quite honestly it is none of your business.
Find other more sensitive ways to start a conversation and if you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all…
Please stop asking the same thing
This one goes out to all those people who know me a bit and you guys might read this so if I offend anyone I do apologise.
I absolutely don’t want anyone to feel too scared to ask me how I am for fear of getting a slap! I’m not saying never ask me how I am. I am so, so lucky to have incredibly supportive family and friends who know I’m struggling. I don’t mind at all when you guys ask me how I am. Please do, keep being supportive because you’re helping me get through this.
What I’m referring to here is the this kind of thing:
- So How long will your skin be like that? – Because I get asked this A LOT and I try to explain that I DON’T KNOW! This process of TSW could take another few months, another year, another few years… I JUST DON’T KNOW! People honestly ask me this over and over again.
And people who I’ve had long conversations with about Topical Steroid withdrawal don’t appear to listen and sometimes ask me the same things. I can handle this and am happy to explain but when part of your job involves raising awareness about allergies and eczema and you blog about it as well, you don’t want your whole life, being and existence to become all about this.
I am more than just eczema. I am not eczema, I am Ruth and there is more to me that what you see.
And I don’t want to buy your xyz…
This is the worst type of invasion. It came to a head this weekend and is the reason for this blog post really. I have been working at The Mindfulness Living exhibition in London which has, on the whole, been a fabulous experience. Exhausting but fun and I learnt loads, helping out my friend Cheryl Rezek, who is a Clinical Psychologist and Mindfulness Coach on her stand.
I had about five people from different companies approach me to try to sell me their services and explain to me why my skin would be so much better if I tried their homeopathy, massage with swooshing wooshing sound effects, Reiki or healing crystals… to name a few. Seriously, I nearly lost my shit with one woman.
Not least because I’m working, I’m on a stand helping my friend to raise awareness about her Mindfulness programme for schools, Monkey Mind and Mountain (Which is incredible by the way) and to sell her lovely books.
I don’t want to be approached at a busy show by people selling me stuff. I felt really preyed upon. Because they weren’t just selling, you get that at every show. They were singling me out because of how I looked and targeting me specifically for their product.
Like what they saw was awful skin and pound signs! These are the people I really want to say F**K Off to.
Seriously. Do One!
One woman in particular came over, while the stand was busy by the way, and pulled me aside and began with,
“I Just had to come over and ask, as we’ve been working on stands opposite each other all weekend, I can’t help but notice how bad your skin is, how red. What is going on with your skin? Tell me how it got so bad and what are you doing about it?”
I kid you not. I mean this is just ridiculous. She was selling homeopathy and got quite pushy when I tried to politely decline because it wasn’t my thing. And I’m not dissing homeopathy, it might actually help, but don’t come at me like that, full on skin shaming and confrontational. Lady, with the homeopathy… I went to the loo and cried. Wept with the exhaustion of living like this and trying to face the comments with confidence, strength and kindness in return.
I have also had people from my local church approach me, take my hands and ask if they can pray for my skin. I’m not having a go at Christians, I have some faith myself although I don’t regularly (ever) go to church. Quite a few of my family are Christians and knowing how much they care about me means so much, So when my father, brother and sister or Christian friends tell me I am in their prayers, this warms my heart and strengthens my soul, because no matter what your religious views are, someone cares.
But to be approached in the street by complete strangers like that, whilst my wrists and hands were actually bandaged, but I really needed to buy food so had gone out, was not what I needed. I’m sure they were lovely but I just wanted to wrench my hands from theirs and run away. I had to endure their well meaning prayers while all the time feeling a panic attack coming on. I was shaking, trying to hold back the tears and beginning to shake. I got away from them, ran down the street and had to hide down by the allotments weeping until I felt strong enough to go back and get my shopping. I think because it was forced upon me, unwelcome, and unasked for and I was at a very low point and in pain, it just broke me. I know they meant well but it was an awful experience and made me really, really angry.
Perhaps I should be more resilient. Perhaps I shouldn’t let comments like this get to me but when there are so many of them, almost daily at the moment, chipping away at my self esteem, it’s just too much.
It’s my body, my skin, and I will decide how I care for and try to heal myself. I think people selling alternative therapies really do prey on vulnerable people who are so low they’ll try anything to help their skin. I’ve been there, I’ve spent so much on stuff that hasn’t helped me one bit.
I hope I don’t offend anyone with this blog post because I’m not apologising.
#sorrynotsorry
And thanks to Nat for giving me the courage to say what I really wanted to say in this blog, rather than sugar coating it into a nice positive blog post about how to speak to people with eczema.
And watch out, because the next idiot to comment on my skin gets a slap! You have been warned…
Anyone else get this? I’d love to hear your stories, good and bad, and how you cope with well meaning but unwelcome and unhelpful comments.
I totally feel you on this one. I don’t know what’s worse – someone who pushes a ‘solution’ on you or someone who just points it out for no apparent reason. The other day I was feeling confident enough to go out for the first time in ages and a checkout assistant in my local Tesco just looked at me and said “acne?” so I said no bluntly and then she said “allergies?”. I’m going to go out on a limb and assume she wasn’t moonlighting as a dermatologist so who knows what she was hoping to achieve. I stewed for a few seconds and then just told her she shouldn’t point out people’s skin issues as it was very rude. To her credit she did apologise and now never looks me in the eye when she sees me
Hi Hollie, that is very rude! I have to admit I think I’ve been way to polite to people so far. I’m going to change my response a bit, not to be rude but tell them about Topical steroid withdrawal but also tell them how difficult it is to even leave the house sometimes and that comments like that are really damaging. I am going to politely ask people to stop commenting on my skin. My local greengrocers are the worst, I really want to support them and get my fruit and veggies there but I’ll only go in with the Mother is not serving as she always comments and I’ve asked her not to, I know them, I have explained it upsets me but she does it every time. She means well and I got some free turmeric the other day because ‘it might be good for my skin’ LOLS. I’m not sure if this blog post with make any difference but maybe one or two people will think before they speak. I don’t know why people feel they have the right to comment on how anyone looks, whether it’s the way they dress, their size, their skin… it’s just RUDE! Thanks so much for your lovely comment and keep up the good fight with the skin. I find it’s often the older generation who are worse at this…
I don’t suffer but work with people who do . I always feel so helpless as a nurse unable to do something. That’s my job after all. It is the visible symptoms which seem to cause the problem in the community . In the old days before medications sufferers of epileptic fits where incarcerated in mental hospitals. Mankind is not a kind or tolerant species most of the time. X
Hi Marlene, yes how awful, as a nation I guess we’ve progressed from putting poor souls in mental institutions. I have also had comments from medical people, nurses where I’m having UVB therapy comment on how dry my skin is, one called my face leathery! I mean I know I’m there having the therapy because of my skin but it really truly doesn’t even need to be vocalised. It’s insensitive. Everyone in the room knows my skin is bad, especially me. I’m thinking of speaking to the nurse when I get a moment just to ask her not to say stuff like that, but don’t want her to blast up the UVB and vapourise me! I’m sure she’s lovely but I’ve now got favourites in there and pray I don’t get her with her judgmental eye and comments. It’s the look in here eyes. She thinks I’m ‘Steroid Phobic” … Together we can change the way society treats people, it just seems to take so long and so much education. Although I think the youth of today are far kinder than older generation.
Really appreciate your honesty ruth. Hopefully people will take notice of this.
Thanks Steve! I know you understand. It’s so weird though as it never happens on the days when I’m literally flaking off a hansel and gretal path to lead me back home, or when I’m oozing or raw. It happens on what I’d call good skin days! If only people knew the power of their throw away comments. I want to try to respond in a better way. Not getting upset but letting people know it hurts.
Hi Ruth,
I really feel for you. It must be so demoralising, and it just stuns me how insensitive people can be. What on earth is the matter with them?! You need a few well-rehearsed smart-alec responses to shut people up and in fact SHAME them, into realising that they shouldn’t have said/done what they did. How dare they?
As for you, keep your chin up my lovely girl, and don’t let the bastards get you down! You know you are doing the right thing for your skin, and it will heal. xxx
Thank you Samina… and I think I may have come up with THE best response. “Thank you. I suggest you go home and look in your mirror and think about what you just said to me. Because it hurt, it upset me and it was not necessary” Samina it’s always women too… why is that?What are you crushing other women, beating them down, commenting negatively on their appearance? Women, on international womens day look at yourself and think before you speak.
That is a perfect response, I think we will need a follow -up blog post please!
I can feel the follow up to this brewing in my brain… 🙂
Hello Ruth. Wow.
Writing from the heart, and sensibly – and rightly – in your face makes what you say even more deeply powerful. Keep at it. The power of passion is so underestimated. Hope all is good. X
Hi Phil, yes apart from all the mean girls, yes I’m fine. Because actually, what I’ve realised is that is always and only ever women who comment on my skin… this has to stop. I am strong, I am brave. I can rise above this but many women may not be able to. We need to support each other. Build each other up. And be more compassionate, kinder and most importantly. Stop and think before we speak.
Dear, dear Ruth. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your wonderful blog. I am not huge, I’m a size 18. But, throughout my life I’ve had these same sort of comments about my weight, privately and publicly. When I’ve been low at different parts of my life, I have attracted those comments even more. People always seem to kick you when you’re down. And, when my rosacea is really bad, people will tell me how red my skin is – like you say, like I can’t feel the pain and the burning and hadn’t realised!
The people who really matter in your life don’t care whether your skin is good or bad; they just see Ruth. Ruth in all her loveliness and complexities. Your blog is doing so much for people with allergies and intolerances and we really appreciated it but this is one of the most powerful ones you’ve written.
I’m badly paraphrasing now but I think Winston Churchill once had a good retort to someone who commented on his weight. I believe he said something like ‘Madam, I could lose weight but you will always be rude’ or something similar. Perhaps you can come up with your own version to point out people’s insensitivity!
Sue you are perfect just the way you are! You have a radiant smile and I’ve never noticed your rosacea. My brother has just got it and I don’t know much about it but I know it bothers him, is tight, red and sore. He’s been doing sauna treatments and thinks it’s helping, if only to reduce the tightness but perhaps not the redness. So sorry you have that, what do you do relieve the symptoms? and am I right in thinking there aren’t really any treatments for it? Would you like to do a blog for me on rosacea?
And Winston Churchill has hit the nail on the head right there! The smug comments of people with good skin or what society deems as the right size of body should think twice before commenting on those who are different. We need to work on inclusion and not judging anyone based on looks or appearance. I’ve seen people fat shamed and it’s really unpleasant. No one knows that person’s daily struggle or background and shaming someone isn’t going to help them. People know when they need to lose weight but it’s never that simple. For the record you don’t need to! Are you still doing that radio show? Anyway thanks for your lovely comment. Hope to catch up soon.
Your eyes are a lovely blue and your interview technique is incisive, your writing powerful.
When accused by Lady Astor* of being ‘disgustingly drunk’ the Conservative Prime Minister responded: ‘My dear, you are ugly, and what’s more, you are disgustingly ugly. But tomorrow I shall be sober and you will still be disgustingly ugly.’
*There are two versions of the story with the comments initiated by either Lady Astor, Tory MP or a socialist MP Bessie Braddock.
Oh I really need to work on my comebacks to these comments. Someone mentioned Winston Churchill after a comment about his weight, and his response was brilliant. “Madam, I could lose weight but you will always be rude!”
And thank you kindly, my eyes are one of my best bits 😉
Hope to catch up soon if you are at the London Allergy show
Thank you for sharing this with such vulnerability Ruth, so beautifully written. I suppose that people imagine they are being empathetic at some level, but sounds like so many need a good wake-up call. Well done for so clearly pointing out what in reality would be helpful, i hope it gets widely recognised and acted on.
Thank you so much my lovely. And I think you’re right, people are trying to show they’ve noticed and that they care or are interested but when it happens relentlessly and they offer unwanted advice it gets so wearing and tiring and I begin to dread people speaking to me because I can’t face explaining again why I have no eyebrows… I am planning to write a set of alternative answers. Like “Do you want the number of my doctor? It’s brilliant isn’t it, just the most amazing facial peel and eyebrow lazering. It’s the new look to just get rid of them altogether.” What’s most annoying is that my skin was feeling quite good this weekend. HAHAHAHAH