When you lose a loved one or grieve for your loss that person is gone. The physical presence is no longer there and whilst they are very much alive in certain things, experiences, smells and memories they are not there any more. With time the grief becomes easier to bear, the tears spring to your eyes less freely and you see that life has to go on and you have to go on living it without that person.
It becomes easier and you learn new ways to cope.
When a relationship ends it can be crippling but you can usually remove most of the reminders of that person, the things that make it hard to remember. You can ‘unfriend’ them on Facebook, you can throw away their stuff or return it and take down their photographs and although your paths may cross they are no longer in your life any more.
What if you had a love affair with certain foods?
When you have a life threatening food allergy sometimes it’s something you used to have a serious love affair with. Food that used to send your senses reeling. Food you used to enjoy without a moments thought. Food you used to crave.
Melted butter on hot crumpets.
Pastry crumbling over your lips, your hand cupped to catch the flakes as they fall.
A bowl of glistening profiteroles
or a cornet of mint choc chip ice cream melting down your hand as the sun beats down on your head…
These things must be gone from MY life but you lot keep on eating them!
A world without allergens is impossible
Grieving for food is made so much harder because you cannot have a world without allergens. It would be impractical, impossible and unhealthy for everyone else. Why should they miss out on deep fried brie and sticky toffee pudding?
So they are never gone. You cannot remove ‘nuts’ from your Facebook page. The cookery programmes will always feature copious amounts of melted butter, cream, milk and cheese. It doesn’t help when you hear yourself screaming at the TV about this wanton and unecessary use of all the things you can’t eat. They can’t hear you. Noone is listening.
You cannot remove all traces of milk from your life – milk is out there, harmless to most but deadly to some. Whatever it is that you are allergic to or intolerant to the feelings are the same. Especially newly diagnosed coeliacs who have enjoyed gluten all their lives only to discover it is these grains that are making them so ill.
Celery is lurking in places you would never expect.
The allergens are always there.
They will always be there.
You may be able to create a safe haven in your own home but once you step outside your front door you have to learn how to live alongside these foods safely and to embrace your new life without your old lover.
Consider a thought for the person with multiple allergies whe has had to cast aside many lovers. It is not easy.
If you’re like me you even enjoy these dangerous foods vicariously through others. Because the taste is still there on your tongue just from seeing the food. Do you often encourage friends and family to have the apple pie with custard so you can enjoy watching them eat it while you sip your peppermint tea or black coffee and fly away with your memories of favourite foods from times long past?
It is like loosing a lover and then having to sit with them at the table in restaurants. You gaze longingly over at them but now they are with someone else. They don’t even give you a second glance, instead they drip down someone elses chin and laugh in your face.
So not surprising about all that denial…
Being faced with your enemy makes you wonder. Maybe I CAN still eat butter. Maybe it isn’t celery or tomato or gluten, or wheat that is causing me the terrible stomach cramps, bloating, swollen face and eyes and swelling throat blah blah blah. Maybe it will be alright this time?
We’ve all been there. We’ve all tested the barriers time and again and wished we hadn’t. Especially since reactions can change and what was once just a deep livid skin rash can morph into anaphylaxis given time and naughty forbidden consumption of the allergen. You think, oh to hell with the consequences, I want it so bad, but it’s always a big mistake. Always waking with the terrible realisation that you have done it again. Days and even weeks of discomfort while the allergen works its way through you.
A trip to A&E it you really screwed up and misjudged or made a mistake and let your guard down.
And not uncommon also that coping with life threatening allergies can lead to depression. Stress, worry and the constant pressure of remaining safe or keeping your allergic child safe can really effect your state of mind. If you think you are depressed please speak to your doctor or allergy specialist. Don’t suffer alone.
But it doesn’t have to be like this. Learn to accept your limits, know your body and your allergens and avoid them at all costs. It’s the only way. Embrace your life, see the positives and move on.
Thank goodness that there is light at the end of the tunnel…
Thank goodness then for the FreeFrom Food Awards and all the many different companies out there striving to produce tasty alternatives for those of us who daily grieve for freshly baked wholemeal bread.
These people are our champions.
So I would like to say a HUGE thank to all you companies out there making delicious freefrom food – we love you for it but I do still crave real butter…and real bread… and the freedom of unplanned food snacks on the go, the spontaneity of grabbing a pastry from the bakery.
But life goes on and it gets easier every day. Smile and embrace life and see the positives and there are simply loads of foods out there that you CAN eat. Thousands of them. Amazing things like Bessant & Drury’s dairy and soya free ice cream, clever new gluten free pastas that are impossible to tell from the real thing and the freefrom food industry is booming.
This blog post is a little tongue in cheek but the parallels struck me after a conversation with a friend about this and also the loss of a close relative. Grief gets you in different ways and memories creep up on you when you least expect them to. My grief and longing for these foods is packed up tightly in a small package in my heart and maybe, just maybe, one day someone will cure me and… well I can dream can’t I?
Well said, Ruth. I am not yet at the stage where I can enjoy watching someone else eating all the lovely things I can’t, though! I envy you that one. I actually have to try and distract myself especially with takeaways when P and the boys are all tucking in. I think it’s because I would like a day off cooking once in a while. When you have to make every meal from scratch – breakfast, lunch, dinner, snacks – the thought of someone delivering my food to me is just heaven 😉
Oh the take-away nights… they are tough and I do sometimes want to cry with the thought of dredging up inspiration for yet another home cooked tasty healthy meal. Why can’t we have the naughty take-away or the ready meal? Just once in a while? I do have some really quick stir fry tasty meals though and on take-away nights Mr What Allergy helps with my preparation and washing up, so while he gets the fast food he craves, at least someone helped me to cook mine. It’s the little things. Now maybe there is a good business idea there, delivery freefrom food, ready meals and home cooked food to our door steps… oh the dream, the bliss, the indulgence.
Stop teasing me ;). Good idea re washing up/prep though; I think I’ll instigate that one! I try to make curries in advance in the freezer and then have cauliflower rice with them which feels similar but I still have to make the bloomin thing. Perhaps I should send P outside with it and he can ring the bell and deliver it! I could get him a uniform or a cap. Oh hang on, gone into fantasy world there for a bit..
Just rereading this… and I think that could work. My indulgence take-way meal is now an Ilumi Cardamom chicken curry meal with rice and/or venice bakery flat bread. I am so getting Mr WA to knock on the door and deliver it. Hahahaha
yes i agree free from products are good for some people. Im wheat/ dairy intolerant and anaphlactic to nuts and fish. Most of the free from bakery products are not suitable for people with nut allergies so that’s even more frustrating for me. I found out about my intolerances when i was 21 and anaphlactic when i was 7. Life was hard enough when it was just the nuts and fish to worry about. Pregnancy had to be the hardest challenge as yet. walking through supermarkets smelling doughnuts and having cravings for all the foods i couldn’t eat. nothing satisfying those cravings. i would love to see free from products supplying gluten free products that are nut free also then i would be happy!
Hi Lara, yes nut allergies are tricky. I’m allergic to nuts too but I find most GF bread is OK. It’s just the cakes – they often have either dairy or nuts in them, you’re right. What I’ve started doing is having a baking day. I make TWO cakes, cut them into slices and freeze the individual slices. Then when I really need some good proper cake it’s there! You can make really good cakes at home. Check out the link to Pig in the Kitchen on the blog roll, bottom left of the side banner for inspiration.