I’m not sorry my skin is bad or that I haven’t washed my hair.
I’m not sorry that I’m not wearing makeup.
I’m not sorry that I can’t eat certain foods or that I have multiple allergies.
I’m not sorry for being such a pain, for being so awkward and fussy and basically a freak of nature!
I’m not sorry that I didn’t respond to your email trying to sell me something.
This year I am going to stop saying sorry.
I read a brilliant blog post this week by Daniella Balarezo, which stopped me in my tracks, because I am always saying sorry.
Read Do you say ‘sorry’ too much and what to say instead.
It’s a brilliant article and outlines the kinds of things you could say instead. For instance, if you’re late, simply say, ‘Thank you so much for waiting for me before ordering. ‘ or something like that. Not, ‘sorry I’m late’, although this is a bad example for me as I have an almost unreasonable phobia of being late and am usually far too early for most things. I think I’d still find myself apologising for being late!
But we should never apologise for who we are, for feeling shy or simply for feeling inferior for being a woman. Reading and listening to this the Ted Talk made realise just how much I do say sorry… I mean all the time!
I’m one of those people who apologises when someone knocks into them. It happened just last night whilst out running with my running club. It was dark, and I happened to knock into my friend Jen. She apologised to me, and then I apologised to her… ‘No, No it was definitely me who knocked into you!’ and this article sprung into my mind. A different response might have been, ‘Oops!’ and perhaps to check they’re OK but it wasn’t intentional and usually the person has hardly noticed you bumped into them anyway. We had a chat and a laugh about it and apologised for both being sorry, sorry, sorry repeated offenders.
I’m so sorry for saying sorry
I’m so sorry for saying sorry so much. It’s been ingrained in me from a young age, I’ve been doing it for years!
Now I’m not saying you should never apologise, not at all, but save apologies for when they are really necessary. Like when you’ve snapped at a good friend, behaved selfishly or let someone down. There are certainly massive benefits in being able to admit your mistakes, to hold up your hand and admit you’ve messed up, need help, support etc.
But from now on I am going to make a concerted effort not to apologise for the fact that I am having a hard time. That my skin is not at its best and I am struggling with Topical Steroid Withdrawal. It’s bad enough that I’m having to experience this, I certainly don’t need to be apologising for it all the time.
Please watch this video below to get an idea of the message we send to others when we continually apologise when it’s not necessary…
I have 100% done what the women mentioned in the video above have done. I’ve stepped up onto a stage and not felt worthy to be there and made my excuses from the start about just being a blogger, not really being an expert, not knowing how I can follow the previous excellent speaker.
So from now on I am not sorry for who I am. It I am invited to speak somewhere I shall try to channel pride and confidence, because I have very right to be there, to share my experiences and use my voice to create change.
Be proud of your achievements. I am an award winning blogger, speaker and patient expert and am so proud of all that I’ve achieved. Last year I was involved with launching a new podcast and I am writing my first blog. I’m actually pretty amazing!
But I begin and end most of my sentences with sorry! This is going to stop.
Do you apologise too much? I’d love to hear your thoughts. If it’s not too much trouble, I know how busy you are… LOLS! Sorry NOT SORRY.
Sorry, not sorry I knocked into you when running On a more serious note though, what an inspiring article. New Year’s resolution is definitely to work on not always apologising for who I am. I might need to make my other resolution to try harder to be on time though if I’m not going to apologise for running late!!
You don’t seem to be late to me Jennifer! But yes, being late is one I would actually probably apologise for. But today I apologised to my mum that I was scratching. Then caught myself short! No! I’m not sorry. I can’t help it. It just annoyed me that i was so I felt I should say sorry. Grrrr… But I spotted the sorry and so next time maybe I can respond differently. An alternative. I’m so hot in here and it’s making me itchy. Would you mind sitting outside? I’ll try to do better next time. sorry. xxx 😉
This is so true, Ruth! Over Christmas, I felt like a freak and a family member actually called me ‘a medical freak’, because I couldn’t join in with their dinner and had to bring my own. How awful is that?! I was initially upset about it, but then my usual bloody-mindedness kicked in. I resolved to not feel or act like a freak or apologise for my condition. I told her she needed more disability training in her job!!!
Then today, I was in a cafe today with my walking group and instead of apologising that I couldn’t drink anything there, I just said I had severe food restrictions, I’d brought my own and could I please have an empty coffee cup. I did not look guilty, feel freakish or apologise. I looked the waiter in the eye and almost challenged him to say something. Bless him, he said ‘no problem’ and just brought me my cup. I must admit I felt a little proud of myself 🙂 Go us!!
Micki that’s brilliant! I might have struggled with that one too. But go us! We should never have to feel we should apologise. We have allergies. Fact. We don’t need to ever feel lesser or a freak or that we should apologise for it. Thanks so much for sharing. I think if this is the one thing we crack in 2020 it will make us feel more empowered, make is feel we ‘own’ our condition, rather than it controlling us.
Dead right, Ruth. 2020 is gonna be a GOOD, EMPOWERED year 🙂
I do this all the time, for everything and it makes me feel lousy, like I’m guilty of being me! It’s bad enough that others make me feel lousy for being me (not close people, strangers mostly who don’t understand), I shouldn’t be adding to the self chastising for things I cannot control! What I find makes me feel worse (and it shouldn’t), is that a close friend of mine is so so understanding and chilled about it (which is amazing), but it makes me feel even more guilty, almost like I’d feel better if she got snippy or impatient with all my issues, that’s not right!! I’m going to try this, saying sorry less and finding something else to say which conveys how I feel without it generating guilt and self loathing. Thank you for writing this and highlighting what everyone, with any chronic illness does almost every day!! It’s given me some real food for thought and it’s been very helpful
Hey Caroline! I’m so glad it’s been helpful. And I get what you’re saying. Those friends are angels sent to help us. Hopefully one day we can be angels for someone else when we are stronger. Keep fighting and know it’s never your fault! You can even be snippy without apologising! Just saying Thank you can often be enough. Not sorry just thank you for being there! Xxx
As you know, I’m very lucky. I have a few mild food intolerances that are far from life threatening and yet I apologise regularly for being ‘awkward’! I thought my over apologising resulted from being married to a controlling man – I would go out of my way to avoid conflict and regularly took ownership of misdemeanors that were (on reflection) far from being my fault. This is a hard habit to break and I still do it now. Having watched the Ted talk, as well as reading your article, I now realise that this is part of the female ‘condition’. I don’t make New Year Resolutions as I think they set people up for a fall but I am going to watch my language. I’m still going to use naughty words but I am going to avoid damaging words like ‘sorry’ – when I manage to catch myself doing it that is! Thanks for pointing it out.
Hi Sue, I think you’re right. I have taken on similar roles throughout my life, wanting everyone to just be happy and harmonious, and that definitely comes at a cost to ourselves. If a person, like your ex husband, is not happy, it’s not your job to do everything in your power to please them, especially when their behaviour is unreasonable. And I agree, like you I’m not setting any unrealistic New Year’s Resolutions, although I’ve done so in the past and achieved them. I am just content with carrying on doing what I’m doing. Doing my best in everything, but NEVER being sorry for being me. I’ve noticed already that I can spot the ‘sorry’ when it slips out. I’ve caught a few and uttered a few and clamped my hand over my mouth in horror! By continually watching our language I think we can stop these negative words from being part of our vocabulary. Good luck! #sorrynotsorry