I could probably write a whole book about this and maybe I will, but for now this is more about a kind of therapy for me. In September I ate out in a cafe in America and had the worst allergic reaction of my life.
I often joke about it when anyone asks me, “When was the last time you had a reaction?”
I’ll say something like, “A few years ago, I’m due another one!” and try to laugh it off.
Because that’s how I cope with it.
I have to live with it so I kind of ignore it. I never stop being vigilant but I always think that nothing bad will actually happen to me.
Well this time it did.
My previous reactions have been terrifying.
They’ve been painful.
I’ve felt scared and fought for my breath and wondered if this is the time. If this is the reaction that will get me.
But I’ve never had a reaction which came so suddenly and out of the blue.
One that left me with literally only minutes to react.
An attack which floored me completely.
Left me unconscious and meant my friends, who I owe so much to, had to take over and get me the help I needed.
I am so very very grateful that they were able to get to me and phone for help.
I did try phone, but after administering two adenaline injectors, I knew I was passing out.
I knew I had moments left. Nothing was helping. Inhalers, antihistmines… nothing made any different.
The last conscious thing I did was send a whatsapp message to my friends. We had a chat group to help us meet up while we were away. And I wrote these few words.
“Help me. I’m having an allergic reaction…”
As I sent this message I had the sense to prop my door open and I don’t remember much after that. I had managed to crawl to the bed, to the hotel room phone, but I was phoning the wrong number. The UK emergency number.
Nothing prepares you for the crippling fear of knowing you might be dying.
And that, my friends, is as far as I’ll go on this subject for now.
Because I can’t talk about this yet to anyone with out breaking down in tears. Writing about it is strangely calming. I can delete, rewrite, think and understand how I’m feeling. Faced with another human and I just get so emotional.
I’m slowly pulling together interviews with all the people involved so I can make sense of what happened and learn from it.
I have lots of upbeat, happy, helpful posts planned too which have nothing to do with allergic reactions, but for now you’ll have to join me in my therapy. I think writing about this is going to help me recover, come to terms with it and move on.
And if it helps anyone else who has had a similar reaction and feels fear, anger and rage like I am, you can work through this with me.
I’m hoping to find a therapist and some counselling, as well as reading about anger management. Talking and writing have always helped me, so this will be key to my future health and well-being. Don’t bottle it up. Please talk about it. Tell people how you are feeling. Don’t suffer in silence like I’ve been doing. You don’t have to do this alone.
Special thanks to Hazel and Rebecca who both helped me to realise I need to get some help this week. Angels.
OMG that’s so scary. So glad your friends got to you in time. Best wishes as you recover – in mind, body and spirit xx
Me too! It was terrifying. Worst thing is I remember so little. What would have happened if they were not there? A lesson for me is to write an allergy plan for a foreign country. I honestly couldn’t remember the emergency number for US. How crap is that? But in a panic situation your mind goes blank. Thanks so much for your comment. It means so much to hear from others. I will keep fighting he fight. Awareness and vigilance is key. 24/7, no rest. Always stay alert and be prepared.
Hi Ruth, really sad to read this even though I already know. You are doing the right things writing this for all to read for so many reasons.
1.) The condition is serious and the more real life accounts the more people are aware of the dangers of allergy
2.) As a parent of a child with allergies I’m reminded not to be complacent
3.) You need to do this as part of recovering
4.) You may be helping someone feeling that they can’t be open as much as you are
I could go on. You have some truly amazing friends to be thankful for and I hope that you find some peace soon after all you have been through xx
Thank you Lorraine. But you are right. We all need to stick up for ourselves and be more vocal. Don’t suffer in silence. Hearing about Hope’s friend at her school is sobering too. This is real. The fear is very real. I am so much better than I was. Thanks for being there.
Hi Ruth
I love your funny, honest and insightful blog and I have heard you speak about the lighter side of allergies at the Allergy Show.
Today’s really honest blog stopped me in my tracks today as it made for sobering reading.
As a pharmacist myself, I learn so much from you about what the real issues are every time I dispense an Epipen to a patient.
Thank you for finding the courage to write this, keep on doing what you’re doing to raise awareness of anaphylaxis and allergies.
Thank you Michelle. I do try to find the positive, to laugh and always look on the bright side but at the moment I am struggling with that. Any doctor who tells me I am more likely to get struck by lightening will get a slap! I don’t go around worrying about lightening. I don’t have to plan my weeks in advance and holidays to military precision thinking about lightening attacks or murderers who might strike! Dairy is my silent assassin. There is a deadly killer after me and who knows when he might strike next! That is what it feels like! I’m feeling much calmer this week just from sharing the story so thank you for commenting. I am not alone in this. And I know I always have eyeliner and Mascara 😉
That’s awful to read, Ruth, and I am SO glad your friends saved you. Thank you for sharing. My only advice would be to have some trauma release work so you can let it go and not allow it to affect you ongoing. T
Hi Micki, Thank you for Julie’s details. I am looking to get some counselling so this is really helpful. Not easy to get organised but very worth doing. Because I think I’m OK and then I’m a wreck. Just like that. Out of nowhere. Boom! Thanks for the comment. And I will keep you all posted. Next blogs will all be positive with interspersed healing and leanings from the LA hell! America is so far behind us.
As a mother of a child with severe allergies, it chills me to the bone to read!
As someone who has experienced a severe anaphylactic reaction and took a long time to stabilise, I totally understand the symptoms and the fear!
As your friend, I want justice to be done, and the people responsible to pay!
And as your friend, I am so incredibly proud of you and your bravery, and bloody thankful that you’re here to tell the tale!
You will beat this, it won’t be easy, but you will do it, and you’ll be stronger for it, and we’ll all learn from your wisdom.
But for now, I’m just grateful you’re here xxx
Thank you Nat. You guys have been amazing this week. I feel like I’ve really made a step forward in coping with this horrible thing that’s got me in its clutches. I’ve also been told I can self refer for some counselling which is fantastic news. I can do this. And hopefully I can help others to live with the crippling fear too. I really feel for Callum. I grew up in ignorance about the severity of my condition, and whilst we know so much more about anaphylaxis, treatment and the risks I rather wish I didn’t have to live with the burden of knowing that it could happen any time. Any Day. When me or someone else makes a mistake. I’m like an island on permanent high alert for that next terrorist attack. Bring it on. I’m ready! And I too am very very grateful I’m here. I feel so alive. So alive it kind of hurts sometimes but I feel so much calmer. Met a friend by chance this morning and had coffee with a couple of lovely ladies and managed to tell them about it when the subject came up, “Oh your’e the one who had the reaction in America?” Yup. That’s me. I didn’t cry. I had a little wobble but I was in control for the first time. I was able to share the story without feeling like I was being swallowed into a black abyss. Still here and fighting. Takes more than a drop of milk to stop me… for now…
We are so sorry you had to go through this.
We also have some tips for dealing the mental health and allergies that we think you might be find useful.
Thank you so much Allergy Out! I’ve got a blog to post about the things, advice and resources I’ve found that have helped. May I share a link to this in that blog? Thanks so much. It’s been such a hard one to deal with. I’ve always had bad reactions but always been conscious throughout and I guess at the back of my mind, was the assurance that I would always be OK. Even though it was scary I just thought it would never get that bad for me. Allergies keep changing, I guess that’s the lesson. No two reactions are the same are morphing into hell.